Manage the differences. Embrace the Similiarities

Recently, I was doing research as to whether how similar or how different a couple is, can determine their happiness and can similarities be considered a strength in marriage versus differences. Some of the strengths identified in my research included satisfaction with communication, handling differences in a creative way, partners are flexible and not controlling, agreement on financial matters, and agree on spiritual beliefs (Olson, 2009). Some texts recommend couples to be alike so that they have their likenesses to lean on in times of stress. Others contend that couple differences diminish the weaknesses of their spouse. I feel that it’s not the differences or the similarities that hinder or project a couple’s happiness; it is to what degree of separateness or closeness the couple gears to, based on the difference or similarities. Research shows the strongest couples are those who have strong communication skills, conflict management skills, personal compatibility, flexibility and a strong sense of closeness to each other. Strong marriages also have a balance between separateness and togetherness (Hawkins, 1991). Couples who have more differences may have a different style or marriage than those that have more similarities; however it’s not the differences or similarities that determined the level of a couple’s happiness (Kuhlman, 2003) If differences are not critical, usually such as religious views, couples who have volatile relationships can have successful relationships if they are able to deal with the areas of differences. Couples who are avoidant may just know which areas to stay clear from and have accepted the difference. The important factor is not the differences, but how the couple manages their differences and incompatibility (Olson, 2009) If a couple allows the differences to interfere with their sense of empathy or support, or the difference lead to lives that are too separate, then the couple’s chances of a harmonious relationship will diminish more and more. Usually when people divorce it is most likely because the couple became overwhelmed by their differences. However, the overwhelming feeling did not come from the differences alone, but because they never learned how to manage them creatively or constructively (Olson, 2009). By recognizing the strengths and weaknesses of a relationship allows the couple to learn to deal with the differences and similarities in a constructive way. This allows them to have the right balance of separateness to enjoy their difference and closeness, where they can share their similarities. This is where a Pre-marital or Marital Counselor or coach can come in handy.

A Christian / Spiritual Addition and View

Another strength as Christians we know that applying biblical principles and God to marriage will give us a stronger foundation than those who do not believe. However, even Christians can have their marriage fall apart. Similarly to my other views, in the book Sacred Marriage (Thomas, 2008) states that instead of asking why the struggles exist in the first place, we should be asking how to deal with them. Thomas explains too often, people ask of marriage what God never designed to give, which is perfect happiness, free of conflict and idolatrous obsession Instead God designed marriage to provide partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to seek God together (Thomas, 2008). I feel God knew there would be differences and strife in a marriage because no human is perfect and neither is marriage. In Scripture it states "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8 ,NIV) "Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace." (Ephesians 4:2-3, NIV) and “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:32, NIV). In these scriptures, he also provided direction on how we should deal with the differences. I think all too often society put a big emphasis on finding a soul mate. The thought and idea of a soul mate is usually tied with someone who is just like us, where we are one soul in perfect union. Thomas, 2006 says it best when he stated looking for another human to complete us could be seen as idolatry. We should not look for the fulfillment and purpose in people, but only in God. By looking for this perfect being to fulfill us will only lead to constant failure of our relationship and no person can live up to that expectation (Thomas, 2008)

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Laura Rivera is a Transformation Coach at Self Dynamics LLC. Self Dynamics LLC., is a Coaching and Consulting firm specializing in Transformation Coaching. Partnering with people and organizations for empowerment and encouragement, by walking alongside them for a season of their life and help coach them through their needs of self growth. Specializing in Business Leadership development, Parenting/Family Coaching, Marriage Coaching, Achieving personal life goals, to Spiritual growth and formation, Self Dynamics LLC focuses on the growth and well being of everyone from all backgrounds and walks of life.

References

Hawkins, R. (1991)., Strengthening marital intimacy. Kearney, NE: Baker Book House Company

Kuhlman, G., Kuhlman, P. (2003) Difference, incompatibilities, and marriage success. As retrieved from:http://www.stayhitched.com/diff.htm

Olson, D. (2009). Prepare/enrich facilitator’s manual. Minneapolis, MN: Life Innovations Inc.

Thomas, G., (2008). Sacred marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Harper Collingshttp://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods-design-for-marriage/marriage-gods-idea/gods-design-for-marriage